


Dear Diary

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Crying, Diary/Journal, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Living Together, M/M, Sadstuck, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 02:52:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8384428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dave finds Karkat's "diary" while he's at work.





	

Dave Strider was cleaning up his and Karkat's shared home while the troll was at work. Dave hummed as he worked, discovering what looked to be a notebook on Karkat's dresser. Now, Dave was never the snooping type, but the fact that the notebook read "diary" in black marker caused Dave's curiosity to peak. He picked it up, sitting down on the bed before opening it up, reading the date of the entry, October 18th. That and two other entries on October 21st and October 22nd were all that was in the notebook. Dave hesitated, finding himself starting to read.

_Oct. 18 - Dear diary,_

_Well, okay, "dear diary" sounds fucking played out, like this is some sort of romcom diary or whatever. It's not even that. Look, between you and me, Dave cannot know about ANY of the content in this, or why I'm even writing in here for. Look, Rose told me that it would be best if I wrote out my feelings in a journal or diary or some sort. So, I guess I'll do that._

_I'm depressed._

Dave stopped reading for a bit, trying to wrap his head around what Karkat had written. He never realised Karkat had been depressed, actually, when he thought about it, Karkat seemed happy most days. He swallowed hard, continuing to read.

_I can't believe it, Dave doesn't even know. I can't ever tell him how I feel most of the time. I'm constantly numb. Hell, sometimes I feel like I don't exist, that this isn't real, that one day, I'll open my eyes and be back on the meteor, or worse, dead._

_Dave is lucky to not know I'm feeling this way, I don't think he'll understand the feeling, or what it's doing to me. Look, I love him, I honestly do, but I'm too scared to trust him with this stuff. He means well, he really does, but I feel as though I'd be perceived as weak if he knew. I guess I'm still not over old habits. Not even ones that are really bad. Shit, I think Dave might be home. I'll write again soon._

Dave sighed, he couldn't believe what he had been reading. He went to the other entries, reading them as well.

_Oct. 21 - Hey, I'm back_

_Look, I know I didn't finish my thoughts in the last one, but Dave came home from work and I wasn't able to write. Luckily, I'm home alone all day today and tomorrow, so I'll be able to write._

_I should probably explain some backstory before I go into any confessions, but, look, I'm 9 sweeps old, so I should go back to when I was about 5 sweeps old, which was so fucking long ago. So, in human years, about where I was nearing my 6th sweep, but not that far, I was about, I think barely 12 human years old, again, near the end of my 5th sweep, nearing my 6th sweep. So, about then, I started hurting myself. I guess it was an okay idea at the time. And it sort of stuck around as I got older-_

"Dave?" Karkat's voice cut Dave off of his reading. The blond's head looked up, seeing the troll's face switch from a mix of anger and horror to that of hurt. Dave shut the notebook, soon getting it pulled out of his hands by the troll, who put it back where it was. It was obvious he was about to cry.

"Karkat, look-"

"How much did you read?" Karkat's voice had cracked, he wasn't angry with Dave, mostly scared. Dave got up, gently reaching for Karkat, to have him sit down. The troll flinched away at first, lowering his head before finding the human's arms around him.

"I read enough." He mumbled, rubbing the troll's back gently. "Do you think we could talk about this?" He gently lifted the troll's head, looking down at him. He gave him a caring look, his thumb grazing his cheek gently. Karkat hesitated, moving to remove Dave's hand, finding his fingers folding in between the humans. Dave moved his hand, taking Karkat's in his own, getting on the bed before guiding Karkat down to sit with him.

"Dave-"

"Karkat, you know I'd never see you as weak," he started, pulling the troll close to him as he talked, "and I'd never want you to hide anything from me. You can tell me stuff. I thought we agreed back on the meteor that how we treat one another, how we seem to be in different quadrants, that it didn't matter. I need to be pale with you right now, I'm worried about you. Please, Karkat," he took the Karkat's hand in both of his, cupping it gently as he looked the troll in the eyes, "talk to me."

Karkat's lips wobbled as tears started falling down his face. Dave watched as the smaller male pulled his hand away, covering his face. Sobs raked his body as he shook. It took the human a few seconds to finally get Karkat to come into his arms, rubbing his back as the troll let out sob after sob. Dave cared about him, he really did, and if that meant holding the troll as he sobbed, then that's what he'd do.

It took quite some time, but after awhile, Karkat's sobbing had calmed down into sniffles and soft hiccups. Dave stroked the troll's hair gently, listening to him as his breathing slowly returned.

"Are you better, now?" He asked softly, treating Karkat as if he was a child. The troll pressed the left side of his face against the human's chest, feeling the calloused fingers of his hand gently wipe at stray tears that fell every now and then. Karkat swallowed, nodding gently at Dave's question, clearing his throat slightly so he'd be able to talk.

"I'm sorry." His voice was weak as he looked up at Dave finally, a guilty look threaded onto his face. He saw Dave's slight confusion, taking in a deep breath. "I'm sorry for not telling you about any of my problems. I-"

"It's okay." Dave cut Karkat off, kissing his forehead gently. "I understand, it's a lot to have to deal with, I get it." He rubbed the troll's back gently. "You don't have to talk about what's going on immediately, I want you to take your time." He smiled softly. "I want you to trust me."

"Dave, I-" Karkat sighed, wrapping his arms around the human's torso tightly. "It's not that I don't _want_ to trust you with this stuff, it's that- I-" He took a deep breath. "I can't figure out _how_ to trust you." He bit his lip, worried. "I just- I want to tell you stuff, and I want to be able to be told stuff, but I'm scared."

"Baby steps, Karkat, baby steps." Dave whispered.

"Where did I cut you off?" Karkat asked softly.

"Second entry, you were mentioning your problem that you've had since you were five sweeps old."

"I-"

"Karkat, how bad has it gotten?" Dave asked softly. The troll was quiet, hiding his face in the human's chest. He didn't want to talk about it. Dave sighed, stroking the troll's hair. "Babe, I'm worried about you-"

"The 20th." He mumbled.

"What?"

"That was the last time I did it." He lowered his head, his voice gradually got quieter. Dave moved, stroking Karkat's hair gently.

"Where are the things you use?" Dave swallowed.

"I threw them out, I thought that maybe it'd be best if I stopped." Karkat curled up in Dave's lap, laying close to him. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, no, Karkat-" Dave moved, laying down with the troll. "Karkat, I'm too worried about you to be mad at you. I love you." Karkat looked up at Dave, moving to cuddle with him gently.

"I love you, too." He whispered. Dave pulled Karkat closer to him.

"Can you promise me something, Karkat?"

"What is it, Dave?"

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself again, and that you'll tell me when things are bothering you." He looked at the troll, who looked up at him, a weak smile on his face.

"I promise." He closed his eyes, laying in Dave's arms.


End file.
